Eva Longoria Doesn’t Want Heather Mills to be a Desperate Houswife

Oh the joys of divorce, when you and your ex divide up your friends along with the books and dvds. In the Mills-McCartney split, it looks like Sir Paul got custody of Eva Longoria (whether he wants her or not).

ContactMusic.com has a story about a Heather Mills possibly doing a guest spot on Desperate Housewives. And Eva Longoria is not happy about it.

Cherry recently revealed he’d love to audition the estranged wife of SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY for a spot in the ABC series, saying, “If Heather Mills can act I’d be interested. It would be fascinating.” But regular Longoria was livid when asked if Mills would appear in the next season, saying, “Oh God no. Not at all. That’s crazy, it would be completely crazy. “If she did have a part I would be offended.”

Does Eva even know Paul or Heather? It’s one thing to help your college friend trash talk their ex and plot revenge when their marriage hits the skids. But its just not cool to fat mouth a peg legged golddigger when you don’t even know the people.

Besides, that’s my job.

Clay Aiken, American Diva

Has the American Idol muppet turned into a diva? According to one ex-fan, Clay Aiken has let the adoration of thousands of tweens go to his head.

TMZ has the story of disillusioned Claymate, 15 year old, Joshua Willard.

Willard says Aiken was rude to audience members and told several people to sit down and cover their mouth. Clay even showed a raunchier side by pretending he had flatulence every time feedback came through the speakers. Talk about making a stink!

An hour after the show, Willard got to meet Clay, but says that Miss Thing was “snotty” and acted like he was too good for his little fans. The former Claymates were even told not to take individual pictures with Aiken, only group shots. Willard is devastated and says that due to Aiken’s behavior, he now “could care less of Clay.”

Be careful, Clay. Piss off the teen crowd and you’ll find your CD’s in the bargain bin along with NSYNC and Menudo.

One more thing, what has happened to this guy? He looks like my fat Aunt Clara.

Pamela Anderson Upskirt

Ho, Ho, Ho and Happy New Year. Granted there isn’t much of Pamela Anderson we haven’t seen, but in case you have forgotten the red swimsuit, here’s Pamela in a red tube top that she somehow stretched into a dress. This was no accidental upskirt, people, this was just fashion physics in action.

Well, at least Pam is wearing matching undies, which proves Pamela can think ahead. Now if only she could apply that forethought to her marriage choices.

Victoria Beckham Needs To Eat

What’s wrong with these pictures? You might be tempted to think the answer is the fact that Victoria Beckham is wearing a see through shirt and no bra (and it is apparently a cold night). You might even be tempted to think outside of the nipple box and point to Posh’s ridiculously fake breats as the problem. But, you would be wrong again.

The correct answer is that Victoria Beckham doesn’t require an x-ray machine to see her sternum…and that, my friends, is just wrong. When you are so thin that you can examine your ribs by simply looking in a mirror, it’s time to put down that carrot stick and order a pizza.

Jennifer Aniston Can’t Let Go

It may be hard to believe, but I do have a heart and it hurts me to write this post. I really like Jennifer Aniston, I do. But I have taken a solemn blogger vow to tell the mostly truth about celebrities and I can’t ignore that…not even for poor Jennifer.

Close friends of Jennifer (at least they were friends) have spilled the beans on Jennifer’s not quite right mental state to US Weekly.

On the effect of seeing pictures of baby Shiloh:
“she collapses in a heap, clutching her womb like she’s been stabbed if she so much as passes a baby stroller on the street.”

On how she deal with it:
“throwing baby dolls into a bonfire on the beach behind her place in Malibu. It’s creepy, but she says it makes her feel better for a few hours.”

Hey, there’s a bright side:
“At least she’s stopped watching ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’ over and over again, for days at a time without eating or sleeping. That just wasn’t healthy.”

I was on Jen’s side through the divorce. I blamed Brad and Angelina for everything. Of course they hooked up during Mr. & Mrs. Smith, shame, shame, shame. I even tried to be happy for Jen when she dated that fatty Vince Vaughn (I failed, but I did try).

But burning baby dolls in Malibu? Oh Jen, it’s been two years. Burn Brad’s pictures, vandalize a few pictures of Angelina, get drunk and binge on ice cream and get over it.

Mike Tyson Arrested

Mike Tyson has been busted again. No, he didn’t make a meal out of someone’s ear (that was my first thought too). Boxing’s most embarassing man was arrested in Arizona today for a DUI and possession of cocaine after running a stop sign and almost hitting a sheriff’s vehicle.

I always knew Mike would end up in jail again, but this is kind of anti-climactic. If he’s going to get arrested, it should be for going Godzilla on a small town. The man is a convicted rapist, he bites off body parts and threatens to eat children. Getting for busted for doing a few lines is just a let down.

It’s a sad day when you can’t depend on Mike Tyson for a good dose of senseless violence and destruction.

Ashlee Simpson’s Christmas Castoffs

Ashlee Simpson gave her cleaning woman a Christmas bonus of used clothing. You know, if I had to clean up after Ashlee, I would have preferred cash and anti-bacterial lotion.

From In Touch Weekly:

When Ashlee Simpson moved recently, she discovered how many barely worn outfits from designers like Marc Jacobs, Juicy Couture and Calypso she owned. Rather than let the clothing remain in the back of her closet, the singer gifted a number of the outfits to her cleaning woman, Maria. Maria, who hails from Brazil, was so thrilled by Ashlee’s generosity that she sent some items back home for her family. “It makes Ashlee feel so wonderful to be able to give something back,” says a pal. “It’s truly what Christmas is all about for her.”

Maybe Ashlee should have kept the designer clothes so she could stop going out in public looking like a bag lady.

Oh, shame on me. This was a truly generous and kind thing to do and maybe Maria really was thrilled with the low rise jeans and skimpy tops. I’m sure the leather pants will be oh so comfortable as she is scrubbing Ashlee’s puke off the bathroom floor.

Rosie and Donald Round Two

The Rosie and Donald feud has gone to the next level…blogs. At least the battle between these two annoying voices has gone to the written word so I don’t have to listen to either of them anymore. Fingernails on a chalkboard people…both of them.

People reports:

O’Donnell said on The View she would give her reaction to the whole situation – then simply looked at the camera and grimaced. But she clearly had more to say.

Her blog posting describes “beauty pageants/where women were paraded around/judged valuable or not/by old white men/it is always old white men.”

She continues: “Remember the seventies/a young girl in nyc/meets a pimp/he cons her into a life of illusion/she works for him.”

In response, Trump told the New York Post, “Rosie got mentally beaten up by me, because she’s a mental midget, a low-life. I think she’s got a death wish. It’s too bad a degenerate is able to get away with things like that.”

I have a compromise. Put them both in the Miss America pageant. Donald would get to know what it feels like to be treated like a piece of meat and Rosie would get to understand what it feels like to be a woman.

Keith Urban Probably Wishes He Could Drink

Keith Urban has been released from dry dock just in time to see this picture hit the blogs. If Keith ever needs a reason to stay sober all he needs to do is look at this terrifying picture of drunker times with ugly chicks.

Amanda Wyatt, a 23 year old model, has publicly announced that she had an affair with the highlighted country singer right up until he married Nicole Kidman,

When we made love he never used protection…He told me that he liked that I didn’t pressurise [sic] him to get married or have babies…I tried not to fall in love with him but we were together throughout the whole time he was dating Nicole and engaged to her, right through 2005 and to around May 2006….I’m sorry if I hurt Nicole but I just want to tell the truth and move on. I hope that she finds happiness with him but Keith is a deeply troubled man. I hope for her sake that he sorts himself out. She deserves better.

And if that little confession isn’t enough to cleanse her soul, the “in no way out for attention and my fifteen minutes of fame” model (model of what I don’t know) has another belated Christmas gift for Keith.

He drank constantly his favourite was Crown Royal Reserve whisky and he did drugs. Ecstasy, cocaine, pot you name it…Looking back, I rarely saw him sober. He’d work during the day but the bourbon would be flowing and, at night, he’d take ecstasy and coke. We partied constantly.

Nothing says love like trying to ruin a man’s marriage and sobriety.

Paris Thinks Britney is an Animal

Paris Hilton does not take rejection well. Aftrer getting dumped by briefly BFF Britney Spears, Paris has once again resorted to creative name calling.

US Weekly says:

Though the pair were once practically joined at the hip (they previously had a sleepover in Las Vegas and were spied dancing on banquettes at West Hollywood’s Hyde), things went sour after Spears took heat in the media for partying while leaving her two kids, Sean, 15 months, and Jayden, 3 months, at home.

“Britney told Paris that it’s not personal,” says an insider.

But beware a Hilton scorned. According to another source, the heiress, 25, didn’t invite Spears to her December 18 Christmas party and now refers to her ex-pal as “Animal.” Why?

“Britney doesn’t think about things before she does them. She just acts out,” says the source.

Well, it isn’t exactly up to the “Firecrotch” level of entertaimment, but its not bad. It makes me wonder if Paris has a comedy writer on the payroll along with her waxer, plucker and personal shot pourer.