Britney Spears Buns of Cheese

Britney Spears is hitting the beach and it hurts my eyes. Brit’s got a pretty smile on her face, but the view from the back isn’t quite as nice. Britney’s ass looks like a bean bag chair after an all-night frat party. Yikes. And those extensions are so nasty. Brit, sweetheart, go back to the wigs.

Here’s my tip for the day. If you wiggle when you walk, keep your pants on. Bikinis are a privilege, not a right. That’s why I wear my snowsuit to the pool.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson Split

Back on the roller coaster that is the Hollywood relationship report, it is being reported that Kate Hudosn and Owen Wilson have split. But wait, were they ever “officially” together? Sure it has been whispered that Owen and Kate hooked up while she was still marrried that scruffy singer guy, but the blondies never really went public with their mattress bouncing.

So, Grasshopper, if two celebs never kiss in public and then break up, were they ever really a couple at all?

Marilyn Manson Didn’t Cheat

Marilyn Manson is denying rumors that he cheated on his burlesque beauty wife Dita Von Teese with his now very public and very young girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood.

From Contact Music:

The musician has since confessed his love for teen actress Evan Rachel Wood, but insists their relationship was strictly platonic up until recently. He says, “I had no friends and I really was alone, literally. I had developed a friendship with Evan and, yes, she is now my girlfriend but it wasn’t me leaving one for another. It took time to discover how much we had in common.”

He had no friends? Duh. This dude is just a big knife away from being the scarey guy in a horror movie. If Manson wants buds he needs to lose the make-up and mismatched contacts, toss on a Hawaiian shirt and throw a kegger.

Posh Won’t be on TV

Victoria Beckham won’t be taking the reality show road to fame in the United States. Posh has backed out of her proposed “follow me around with cameras and try to make me look interesting” show.

From TMZ:

Posh Spice won’t be spicing up the reality TV universe anytime soon. Victoria Beckham has backed out of deal to star in a reality TV show for NBC about her move stateside with hubby David and kids. The doll-like diva told Brit rag “The Mirror” that family comes before fame. According to a “Mirror” source, “the TV series was a great launch pad for her career…but she felt she was being pushed into a corner and David was obviously always going to take priority.”

In other words, she was so boring that no one could figure out how to make this show work. There are only so many ways to make shopping and starving entertaining.

Marilyn Manson Didn’t Cheat

Marilyn Manson is denying rumors that he cheated on his burlesque beauty wife Dita Von Teese with his now very public and very young girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood.

From Contact Music:

The musician has since confessed his love for teen actress Evan Rachel Wood, but insists their relationship was strictly platonic up until recently. He says, “I had no friends and I really was alone, literally. I had developed a friendship with Evan and, yes, she is now my girlfriend but it wasn’t me leaving one for another. It took time to discover how much we had in common.”

He had no friends? Duh. This dude is just a big knife away from being the scarey guy in a horror movie. If Manson wants buds he needs to lose the make-up and mismatched contacts, toss on a Hawaiian shirt and throw a kegger.

Avril Lavigne Flips Off the Paparazzi

Boy, that Avril Lavigne is one heck of a role model. Here is the itty-bitty girl with the big ol’ attitude flashing her favorite finger to the paparazzi. Isn’t she sweet?

It’s sure looking like Avril needs some serious anger management classes. First the chick rags on a whole slew of celebs and then she (once again) flips the paps the bird as she hurries past. Avril, honey, take a deep breath and let the childhood trauma go.

Avril Lavigne Flips Off the Paparazzi

Boy, that Avril Lavigne is one heck of a role model. Here is the itty-bitty girl with the big ol’ attitude flashing her favorite finger to the paparazzi. Isn’t she sweet?

It’s sure looking like Avril needs some serious anger management classes. First the chick rags on a whole slew of celebs and then she (once again) flips the paps the bird as she hurries past. Avril, honey, take a deep breath and let the childhood trauma go.

Paula Abdul is Sad and Disappointed

Paula Abdul is not happy that a copy of a conference call between her and her peeps was released to the world. Turns out Paula had been in London when the story broke and didn’t hear about it until she got back. Welcome home!

TMZ has Paula’s statement:

“I am deeply hurt and extremely disappointed that someone has taken a private telephone conversation that I had with my representatives and released it to the media. This is not only illegal but also highly unethical. While I don’t feel a need to justify or explain my conversation, even as a public figure I do feel my privacy has been violated and find this action to be unacceptable.”

Of course, if Paula hadn’t been on reportedly shaky ground with her publicist, maybe someone would have stepped in to spin this a little sooner. It just goes to show, you shouldn’t bite the hand that covers up your insanity.

Paula Abdul is Sad and Disappointed

Paula Abdul is not happy that a copy of a conference call between her and her peeps was released to the world. Turns out Paula had been in London when the story broke and didn’t hear about it until she got back. Welcome home!

TMZ has Paula’s statement:

“I am deeply hurt and extremely disappointed that someone has taken a private telephone conversation that I had with my representatives and released it to the media. This is not only illegal but also highly unethical. While I don’t feel a need to justify or explain my conversation, even as a public figure I do feel my privacy has been violated and find this action to be unacceptable.”

Of course, if Paula hadn’t been on reportedly shaky ground with her publicist, maybe someone would have stepped in to spin this a little sooner. It just goes to show, you shouldn’t bite the hand that covers up your insanity.