Jenna Jameson is…ummm…Pretty?

I give up. What can you say about former porn superstar Jenna Jameson? She’s just freaky looking. I mean her eyes are still beautiful, but let’s face it, who’s looking at her eyes? Her mouth is all funky, her collarbones could be loaned out to cut diamonds and she’s gone from being built like a…well…like a porn queen to looking like a coat rack wearing a hat.

Add to that her mega-ton boyfriend Tito Ortiz and it’s just to much wrongness to process. And talk about awkward, check out their smoochies. When I see that pic all I can imagine is the voice in Jenna’s head telling her that there are too many calories in Tito’s tongue.

Bridget Moynahan Makes Tom Brady Suffer

Oh baby, Bridget Moynahan is one bitter mommy. Not that I blame her. Superbowl baby daddy Tom Brady did dump her when she was preggers to tap some hot Brazilian ass. That would get my maternity knickers in a twist too. And now that the little bundle of Brady-dom has been born, Bridget is making Tom pay…not literally, though I’m sure that’s in the works.

From TMZ:

Gatecrasher reports that while Bridget allowed Brady to see the baby they conceived together, Tom “was only allowed to come after the baby was born. The woman would not see him, period.” Bridget also didn’t give the baby Brady’s name. But if Tom thinks there’s going to be any reconciliation — or that he’ll be able to see the boy whenever he wants — “Bridget is not giving him any slack on this at all.”

Yeah, Bridget named the kidlet John Edward Thomas Moynahan. You know Tom was bummed when he heard that. He didn’t even make it into the top two names. He’s in there after some dead relative or some random name Bridget found in the phone book.

Tom probably called her up and was like “Hey, I wanted to name the kid after me.” And Bridget was all “I tried that, but Tom Brady is an Asshole wouldn’t fit on the birth certificate.” Then Tom was all “Oh ok, never mind.” Touchdown Bridget.

Gwen Stefani Bikini Pics

Just when you thought having a baby doomed you to permanent baby gut (*cough* Britney Spears), check out Gwen Stefani rocking the hard body in Hawaii. Now if that doesn’t make you drop the Ding Dong and dust off the treadmill nothing will (*cough* Britney Spears).

Her son will probably be the best behaved little rugrat ever because he’ll see these pics and know that his mom’s abs could crush rotten little boys with a single crunch. Cause nothing says discipline like “put another 20 on mommy’s weight bench.”

Now where’d I put that Ding Dong?

Photos courtesy of Splash

Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston Still Fighting Over Their Kid

Hey, there’s another custody fight in Celebrity Land. Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are still going to legal blows over who gets to keep their 14 year old daughter Bobbi Kristina.

From People:

Bobby says: “I did all I could to see my daughter … I also paid approximately $10,000 for Whitney and Bobbi Kris to live in a nice hotel while Whitney was going through rehab … I basically lived out of my car.”

And Whitney says: “Bobby is going to try to get child or spousal support from me … Bobby is fully capable of working and earning substantial sums of money if he would control [his] personal behavior.”

So the decision is between an ex (we think) addict or a homeless former famous guy. I’m waiting for the judge to ask the kid who she wants to live with and she says “Britney Spears.” Can you blame her?

Oh, and check out these pics. Is it just me or has Bobby Brown officially entered the “Fat Elvis” stage of his career?

Amy Winehouse’s In-Laws Ask Fans to Cut Off the Drug Money

Looks like Amy Winehouse’s in-laws aren’t fans of her music. Or maybe it’s her drug-filled, beating up their son and jumping in and out of rehab lifestyle that they don’t approve of. Hmmm…tough call.

From TMZ:

Amy Winehouse’s in-laws have urged fans not to buy the troubled singer’s music.

The parents of Winehouse’s husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, also added that Winehouse should not receive any awards for any music nominations that she has been nominated for.

Giles and Georgett Fielder- Civil said that a boycott would give the pair the wake up call they need to sort out their drug problems.

Well, that could make Christmas with the Crackhouses…sorry, Winehouses awkward. Anyway, judging by these vacation pics, Amy and Blake don’t look too upset by Mum and Dad’s boycott plan.

Photos courtesy of Splash

Britney Probably Didn’t Beat the Kids Either

Now this is fighting dirty. Looks like Kevin “gimme the kids” Federline may be the snitch who called the kiddie cops in on Britney Spears. Cause nothing says custody fight like child abuse allegations. Just wait until Britney acuses of K-Fed of forcing the tykes to listen to his freestyling all day long. Oh yeah, it’s coming.

From TMZ:

Sources tell TMZ the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services “abuse investigation” into Britney Spears does not involve physical mistreatment of her children.

Sources say the complaint lodged with DCFS involves allegations of poor dental hygiene, as well as poor eating and sleeping habits for her kids. Curiously, although DCFS keeps these allegations secret, they ended up in legal papers filed today by K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, suggesting it might have been Fed-Ex himself who lodged the complaint.

Well who knew that being a mother meant you had to feed and clothe the kids and take them to the doctor. What a rip off! Why don’t they just drive themselves to the grocery store for vegetables and whole grains if they don’t like Doritos and Red Bull? I mean Sean Preston is what, like 2? Why doesn’t he have a job yet?

Owen Wilson Hospitalized

More serious news. The Butterscotch Stallion Owen Wilson reportedly tried to off himself and ended up in the hospital. No has has confirmed that this was a suicide attempt so it could be that the likeable and oddly attractive master of highlights accidentaly swallowed a bunch of pills and sliced his wrist open. Hey most accidents happen at home, you know.

Owen has since asked for privacy so that he can heal and rumors are flying as to what caused Owen to allegedly try to cash in his chips. Me, I’m guessing someone sent him a script for Shanghai Noon Part 3 titled “It’s Mostly About Jackie Chan Doing Cool Sh**.”

Pics of Owen’s supposed ex-girlie Kate Hudson. Cause its less depressing.

Lindsay Lohan Rumored Rehab Relapse

Here’s a shocker. Lindsay Lohan maybe having “issues” in rehab. And by issues I mean getting wasted and banging fellow rehabbers in the bathroom. Ah Lindsay, how we’ve missed you.

From A Socialite’s Life:

“Lindsay got called into the director’s office on Aug. 15 and was questioned about drugs. When ordered to take a drug test, she reluctantly complied but screamed and cursed at the medical director before storming out the room. She was told that if she couldn’t conform to the program she’d have to leave.”

What, the nature walks, kayaking and tanning sessions aren’t helping? Color me astonished. Now can we get to the electroshock stuff?

Bad News for Britney

Oh sh**! Britney Spears may have bigger problems than her tanked career and bad weave.

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned Britney Spears is being investigated for possible child abuse.

An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present — Britney’s lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court.

We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we’re told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation.

A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today’s appearance.

Damn, that’s serious stuff. I’m not good with serious. What can I say, sarcasm is my defense mechanism and keeps me from dealing with reality. It was more fun to make jokes about Britney stuffing her kids into pies or selling them to her Cheetos dealer when it was just make believe. But now it’s all awkward.

Photos courtesy of Flynet

Jessica Alba in Her Skinny Jeans

So here’s Jessica Alba looking all sexy and fun loving at what looks like some sort of carnival.

Now, my question is if someone with a camera spotted Jess looking all pretty on the midway throwing balls into a clown’s mouth or tossing rings over glass bottles, why couldn’t anyone grab a shot of her hanging upside down on that boat that flips around or stuffing her face with funnel cakes?

Is one picture of a glamorous star losing her lunch after riding the Zipper too much to ask?